May. 27th, 2017

tsarina: (blue sky)
It is my birthday today, and I feel old.

I realize that objectively 37 is not Old. But I was thinking about some things today, and realizing some of my internal monologue was excessively cranky about The Kids These Days. (Ask my opinions on how The Kids want all the fun part of intimacy without the work!) It's not just my birthday bringing it on this year, or the increasing number of grey hairs. It also comes from going through my dad's stuff. Making sure that Mike and I have a will to sort out things in case one or both of us die. Dealing with a 24 year old friend who is massively depressed and needs to be in therapy. Being consistently horrified by the political situation and the increasingly fucked up things happening in America.

For a person who didn't expect to live past 20, I sure have come a long way. Even if sometimes I still feel like I'm a failure.

But I just didn't imagine the future would have so many actual nazis and monsters.

I'm not good at letting go of worries about things I can't control. Like death. Or the creeping racist horror show of America.

This probably sounds more depressed than I want it to - I'm pretty okay in myself. I'm deeply unhappy with how often people call me m'am or refer to me as a lady. If my facial hair wasn't so sparse and terrible, I'd stop shaving in hopes that it would change that. (I am not a beard person.) But aside from feeling kind of meh about how people don't see me, and being fat, I'm pretty okay. The only upside of the current political horror show is that I feel better about myself. I'm at least not one of these assholes, whatever my flaws are.

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tsarina

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